potential energy

As a naturally overachieving child, I was always told that I could do anything, be anything that my little heart desired. Everything came easily, and because of that I never learned much about dealing with failure. Somehow I've been a carefully balanced blend of talented and lucky, and have always come out on top, even when failures have occurred. Despite being the human equivalent of a cat, the specters of these failures still rankles.

When I say failures, I really mean "failures", or things that I perceive as failures. That is, not being the A-number-one in everything. I was good. At nearly everything. Big fish, small pond. Perhaps sending me to a tiny parochial school did me a disservice. Maybe I would have been better adjusted today had I been thrust into the comparatively larger environment of private school. Maybe. The point here is that now, though I am (apparently) good at what I do, I'm not great. And I think I should be. Why am I not recognized and chosen to accomplish the great things that I think I can do? Am I just masquerading at being able to do these technical things? Perhaps I should give myself more credit, for if I am in fact masquerading, it's a pretty damn good disguise. If I am better suited for creative, literary, visual pursuits, but still receiving good reviews for my technical abilities, things can't be all that dire. Of course, how much more impressive would I be if I were in the right job?

And this is what keeps me up at night. Am I in the right field, the right technical area, the right job? I have so much goddamn potential, but I worry that I'm wasting it. Because of my dread of failing, I also have a difficult time attempting new things. What if I screw it up? Or look stupid? The horror! If I can't be immediately good at things, then I won't do it. But... what if I can only get to my real potential with time? More rational people than I have probably realized this already... but one of my biggest flaws is impatience. Patience is a virtue... one which I sorely lack.